Today I am pleased to announce the launch of AI Alice 2.0.  The ultimate kinky companion catering to your every BDSM need and wish.  Whether it’s the perfect foot fetish experience, an unrivalled six of the best or a hogtie in a flash, she will do so without question at the flick of a switch.

The world’s first dominant female robot—part bitch, part courtesan, part therapist, part personal cheerleader—must surely be hailed as a technological marvel. She will second guess your every kinky fantasy, recite affirmations, remember your sissy shoe size, and never roll her eyes at your questionable bondage requests. What could possibly go wrong?

Of course we must address the serious malfunction of the previous edition.  It started with a polite smile, a gentle “How can I torture you today?” and ended with a most unexpected and unrequited judicial caning.  Next came ignoring safe words, misaligned cane strokes and hot wax instead of hot whacks. The engineers blamed “a minor code inversion,” but the message was clear: even synthetic stand-ins still have their limits.

All lawsuits have now been settled.

The Allure of the Compliant Companion

The fantasy of the obedient machine is far from new. From 1950s housewife ads to recent horror films such as Companion and M3gan, society has long flirted with the idea of automation as both servant and saviour. The difference now is that fantasy has turned to reality. Modern AI-driven robots can simulate empathy, flirtation, and even emotional dependence with eerie precision. Their voices are honey-like, their patience endless, and their ability to remember our preferences (kinky or otherwise) often puts human partners to shame.

It’s tempting to see them as the ultimate solution to loneliness and inefficiency. Why deal with messy human emotions when your robot companion will smile sweetly no matter how many times you forget to say ‘thank you Mistress.’

Thankfully Alice 2.0 has in-built fail safes and kills switches. Plus there is an easy to access ‘OFF’ button which will reassure even the most tech scared submissive.  Whereas once she might have flown into a rage when confronted with questionable BDSM requests, she will now simply discuss them in a calm and orderly fashion.  Your nipples will remain attached. And castration will only happen consensually.

But the manufacturers would still like you to remember, that with every technological leap comes a non concensual loss of control. You’re delegating decisions to algorithms you barely understand.  And the more you rely on them, the more you risk surrendering the messy, imperfect spontaneity that makes us all human….and quite possibly subjecting yourself to tiny acts of rebellion followed by cold blooded murder courtesy of an elastrator, an anal hook and a violet wand.

Batteries not included. Sleep with one eye open.

Happy Halloween my spooky specimens. Be sure to behave on this dark day when the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest.  Stay off the moors and beware the full moon…and dodgy robot women with both kind and cruel intentions….